Zim Brownies
by Editor-Bug
Summary: The Almighty Tallest (well, Red, at least) finally snap and tell Zim the truth about his mission. After he falls into a comical depression, the Irken Armada is blitzed by the Resisty, who have returned with more firepower than the Massive and its snacks can handle. Zim sure would come in handy right about now... ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like!


Tallests Red and Purple lay all the way back in their chairs. They'd been having a pretty sweet day, claiming more planets with the Armada, followed by chilling and eating brownies. So satisfying.

"...do you ever feel like we're not that good at our jobs?" queried Purple.

"Haha...haaa, that's funny," Red replied. "Hey, we're almost out of brownies."

"You there! Get us more brownies!"

The brownie-baking Irken trembled. "My apologies, my Tallest, but you've eaten all of them. And I used up all of- -"

"GRRR...!"

"WAIT! W-We still have those brownies that Zim sent!"

"Echh," Purple made a face. "Zim brownies?"

Red shrugged. "Well, maybe they're good. Zim _did_ work in food service during his banishment."

"Those were better days."

"They were. Anyway, let's try 'em."

The baker brought the brownies out to the Tallest and they each ate one.

"..."

"..."

They collapsed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"My Tallest? ...my Tallest...please wake up now...I need authority..."

"Wh...Wha?" Red cracked an eye open. He was surrounded by paramedics. "What happened? Why does my mouth taste like chocolate and crushed dreams?"

"It was the Zim brownies," one of them explained. "They were so crazy nasty that your PAKs were incapable of reactivating you. We had to pump both your bodies with detoxifying liquids to keep you from going completely comatose. You've been unconscious for the past 39 hours."

"DON'TEATTHEBROWNTHINGS!" exclaimed Purple, springing back to consciousness. Half the paramedics rushed to his side.

"39 hours?! Did anything happen?"

"Yyyeah," the paramedic said hesitantly. "The Control Brains called yesterday. They were throwing a party to celebrate your 100th year as the Tallest. It was a pretty cool party...n-not that I went! I just...saw it on the screen. None of us actually went there and ate any of those exquisite party snacks, nooo."

The other medical workers looked nervous.

Red clenched his fist. "OH, REALLY?"

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Purple. "NOOO, WE MISSED IT! I'd been looking forward to that party for...a hundred years! A plague unto your house, Zim, A PLAGUE UNTO YOUR HOUSE!"

"Uhhh..." a communications Irken popped into the room. "Sorry, if this is a bad time, but there's a transmission coming in. It's from Planet Earth..."

"...y'know what? Pick up."

Everyone turned to Tallest Red. "HUH?"

"Pick up," he repeated, smirking at Tallest Purple. "I have something really important to tell Zim."

Purple smirked back. "Ha, me too...I think."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Ah, there you are, my Tallest!" Zim greeted them. "I've called for three reasons! First of all, happy 100th anniversary! Second, I, eh, 'sensed' that you'd eaten my brownies and undoubtedly loved them, you're very welcome. And third, I have just devised a surefire plan with which to take over Planet Earth! AHAHAHAHAHA! So I wanted to tell you about it. The plan is- -"

"Know what, Zim?" Red interrupted. "You can just save it! Save it forever! I have been nice to you, but now I'm coming to the edge! It's time I told you the truth! You might as well give up on taking over Earth, because your mission is FAKE!"

All the other Irkens in the room gasped.

"What do you mean 'fake'?" Zim put his hands on his hips. "Then what am I doing here?"

"You're staying out of the way of Operation Impending Doom 2! We didn't want you around messing things up, so we made up a stupid lie about your 'special mission' on some distant planet so you would go away! And you actually bought it!"

"AHHHAHA-HA-HA-HA!" cackled Zim. "Ahhh, my Tallest, I truly appreciate the fact that you joke around from time to time! You looked so serious about it too, that was good! Anywho, back to- -"

"STOP, Zim, I wasn't joking!"

"He wasn't joking, Zim," Purple joined in. "You're basically still banished."

The other present Irkens nodded.

"Oh, so you're all in on this?" Zim smiled a coy smile. "Alright...I suppose I can hold off on explaining my plan to hear the punchline."

"Wait, how would that work if you already knew we were kidding?" one of the workers inquired.

"True," agreed Purple.

"We're not freaking KIDDING, we- -UGHHH," Red facepalmed before glaring at Zim. "Listen, Zim. The only joke here is you. You've done nothing with your life but cause disaster after disaster for the empire, and you're pretty annoying in general. We all hate you! And we're 99% sure you're defective. So...I don't know what else to tell you. Whether you believe it or not, everything I'm saying is true. I swear on my tallness."

Zim's antennae lowered, but he was still grinning. "That wasn't quite as funny as I expected..."

"Yeah, I bet it wasn't. Are you getting it now?"

"Um, haha," Zim faced the floor. "Ha...yes, my Tallest, I get it. It's so funny I'm in tears..."

"Glad to hear it," Red narrowed his eyes. "From this moment on, make it your top priority to never again cause me stress. Live alongside the humans, self-destruct, I don't care! As long as it doesn't affect me in any way, shape or form. Goodbye forever."

The transmission was cut.

"...UUUAGHHH!" Zim collapsed, a blubbering mess. "COMEDY CAN BE SO CRUEEEL!"

"Mastah! Whahabun?!" GIR showed up with Minimoose. "Who burst your dam?"

"Nyah!"

"NOTHING, NOBODY! I...I HAVE ALLERGIES! LEAVE YOUR MASTER BEEE!"

XXXXXXXBACKONTHEMASSIVEXXXXXXX

"Wooow," mused Tallest Purple. "You really cut into him. Cut deep!"

"Yeah, I did! Felt good! It was as though a tiny, annoying leech named Zim was sharply pried from my elbow," Tallest Red declared proudly. "With any luck, this is the beginning of a Zim-free era! Time to really kick back and- -"

"Incoming transmission...!"

"Oh, jeez gosh..."

"From an unknown vessel!" the communications worker finished his announcement. "Should we take it? It might be that creepy balloon salesman again."

"Ooh! Answer it, then!" Purple bounced in his seat. "I liked that guy!"

"Okay. Boop."

"Dun-dun-DUUUUN!" A shadowy figure appeared on the screen. "Remember me?!"

"You're not the balloon guy! Cut!" ordered Purple.

"WAIT!" Some lights flicked on, revealing the figure to be a goggled Vortian. "Haha! Now! NOW do I look familiar at all?"

"Mmmmm, no."

"I'm Lard Nar!" the Vortian fumed. "Leader of the revolutionary force unfortunately known as the Resisty! That's how I wrote my introduction, but honestly, the name's grown on me."

"The feeling isn't mutual," grumbled Red. "Look, what do you want? I've got a lot of nothing I wanna start doing."

"Heh! Isn't that just like an Irken?" Lard Nar grit his teeth. "Pushing all the little guys around, doing NOTHING to deserve their power! Just sitting around being lazy, self-serving jerks! Well, this time we're taking you down for good! I've visited every Irk-conquered planet and added volunteers of the enslaved races to MY forces! We've all been working our butts off preparing this attack! Now we'll see who the little guys are!"

"Please," Red scoffed. "How much could you and your 'volunteers' possibly have- -?"

 _ **RUMBLE**_

"Uhh, whazzat?"

The Tallest pair hovered over to a windshield and their mouths hung open at the sight they were met with.

"Holy shhhhhhhhhhip."

The Resisty had constructed a spacecraft that appeared ten times that of the previous one. It completely dwarfed the Massive and even the Armada looked like a mere speck compared to it. Not only that, but it was equipped with every type of weapon the monarchs could think of.

"Uh...we're sorry?" offered Purple.

"ATTACK!" barked Lard Nar.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

XXXXXXXMEANWHILEONEARTHXXXXXXX

Zim sadly sat at the table in his wrecked kitchen. Things got messy surprisingly quickly after he found out about his mission being. It was almost as though the house was reflecting his state of mind. He somehow slumped even further in his chair.

"Master!" GIR (and Minimoose) seemingly popped out of nowhere. "Me and Moose got you ally-gee medicine!"

"Nyah!"

The robots dumped their items in front of him.

"Ngh..." Zim tore his tear-stained face off of the table. "GIR, this is air freshener and oil paint."

"MEDICINE!" GIR licked Zim's face before skipping away with Minimoose.

Zim picked up some of the "medicine". "M...Maybe I could use this. I could conquer the humans with this. Replace their atmosphere with air freshener and flood their oceans with paint! ...but then what? ... _THEN WHAT?!_ "

He slammed his face back into the tear puddle.

XXXXXXXBACKONTHEMASSIVEXXXXXXX

"How long have they been chasing us?!"

"It's been..." Red checked. "2 minutes! These guys really need to learn how to forgive and forget!"

Purple was sweating profusely. "They're going to catch up to us eventually!"

"No, they're not! But we need help! Alert the Control Brains!"

"Oh yeah, why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you're not the smart one."

"It was _your_ idea to try the Zim brownies!"

"I didn't force you to eat one!"

"Well, you didn't stop me!"

 ** _RUMBLE_**

"Forget about Zim! Call those brains!"

The communication Irkens sent a transmission to the Control Brains and everyone jammed out to their ringtone for a couple seconds before they answered.

"Hello~!" one of the brains greeted. "Oh, hey, it's the Tallest! We missed you guys at the anniversary party! Well, not really. Anyway, what do you want?"

Tallest Red cursed under his breath. "We're currently under attack from a revolutionary force called the Resisty, and they outnumber us ten to one! Wha- -"

"Wait. The 'Resisty'?"

"Stupid name, I know."

"They're gonna take our snacks! And probably kill us!" Purple panicked in the background.

"Yeah!" Red got serious again. "What do we do?"

"First we must confer..."

The Control Brains took their sweet time discussing the situation as the Massive was throttled by blasts from the Resisty.

"Well?" Red asked impatiently.

"WELL, we've run through all the options, and all your most skilled soldiers are either off invading other planets or already dead. That was quick," the brain remarked. "And the Armada is only dwindling. Uh..."

"Could you please cut to the chase?"

"You're not gonna like it."

"Huh?"

"You're not gonna like it."

"Just tell me!"

"Fine. The way we see it, your best chance of survival is to get Zim to take those guys out. According to our data, Zim has, by leaps and bounds, the highest murder rate of any Irken in history. He is the key to getting rid of your problem."

"Oh...Zim, huh?"

"Yes. If not, this may be the end of the Irken race. But if our data programs are preserved, a new race of lifeforms can be cultivated from them in the future. All of vitality can be traced to us, and as long as we exist, you shall live on. In some capacity."

"...good talk. Bye."

The transmission was cut.

"I was busy panicking, what'd they say?" asked Purple.

" _They said_ we should get Zim to take care of it."

"Gasp! Do they know that you...?"

"NO, they don't know that I told him the truth. I didn't tell them, and I don't plan to."

"Double gasp! But it's the Control Brains!"

"Whatever! It isn't like they gave me a direct order! Besides, we don't even need Zim for this, and we JUST got rid of him, probably! Do you have any idea how lame we- -especially me- -would look if we went crawling back to him going 'uhh, I know we just fired you, but we need your h-helllp?' Come on! No!"

"Yeahhh, we _would_ look pretty lame. Especially you."

"Yeah! So let's do this! Let's beat these guys! Without Zim!"

Everyone on the Massive pumped their fists. "YEAH!"

XXXXXXXLATERXXXXXXX

"Shloonktapooxis!"

"Yyyessir!" The cone-shaped alien appeared before Lard Nar.

"Status report!"

"I mean...it's pretty straightforward. Do you really need- -?"

"YES! I must hear this!" the Vortian smirked with satisfaction.

"Well, okay. It's been almost a week since we began our assault on the Irken Armada. We kinda need the Massive intact so we can take the snacks, so we haven't blown it up YET, but it's been pretty fun just knocking it around. Hehe, yeah. Their numbers have decreased significantly, and I even saw one Irken guy jump out of his own spaceship into the endless void of space, haha! Other than that, uh...the flag troops are almost done with our Resisty flag. IT'S GOT TASSELS!"

"Excellent report! Have a cookie!" Lard Nar tossed one to the appreciative Shloonktapooxis. "Which reminds me, it's high time we take those snacks! But first, call the Massive again! I want to GLOAT!"

A hefty Resisty member sent a transmission to the Massive, which was immediately accepted.

Tallests Red and Purple appeared ragged and exhausted, huddled together on the floor.

"What do you want...? What more do you want?!" sobbed Red.

Lard Nar was loving every second of it. "I just wanted to tell you two that this where the revolution ends."

"Are you saying you're giving up?"

"NO. I'm saying we have you beat. 'Owari da', as they say. We'll be taking your snacks now and that'll be the end of it! The end of your tyranny!"

"No...no! Not the snacks!" begged Purple. "They're all we have left! You can't!"

"Oh, but we CAN! And we will!"

"Nooo! Full speed!" Red desperately called to the pilots. "Full speed, darn you to heck!"

The Massive flew as quickly as it could, but even with a head start and a size advantage, it couldn't avoid the Resisty ship for long.

"This is it!" Purple clung to Red. "Hold me!"

"Okay..." Red did so and gulped. "Uh, do you have any regrets?"

"Not really. Though I could've done without those Zim brownies."

"Yeah, me too...I can still kinda taste them. WAIT! That's it!" Red shook Purple by the shoulders. "That's the key! Somebody call Zim!"

"What?! But you said- -!"

"I know what I said! But I love snacks and my existence more than I hate Zim!"

"Wow...respect!"

"Thanks. Now do it! We don't have much time!"

One of the communication workers fainted from hunger just after sending the transmission. A few seconds later, Zim (who looked like a kicked puppy) answered. He spoke in an oddly hushed voice.

"Greetings, my Tallest," he saluted for a split second. "As pleasantly surprising as it is to hear from you again, you don't have to worry; I got the joke..."

"Joke?" Purple queried before Red nudged him. "I mean! Yes! Zim! We were just joking about everything before! Surprise, ha-ha! Now we need you to help us out here!"

"Oh..." Zim's eyes welled up. "Sure, sure."

"HEY! What's with the negativity?" hissed Red. "Don't you believe us?"

"Well..." Zim said hesitantly.

"Zi-Zim! I am ordering you to get over yourself! We need your help!"

"What could you possibly need my help with? You said that I...I..."

"Yeah, I know, but we were messin' around! How could I mean any of that? We...don't think you're the most terrible being in the universe!"

"Could've fooled me."

 _ **RUMBLE**_

"Zim, now is not the time for this! We're in the middle of a life-threatening crisis!"

"..."

Suddenly, GIR popped up with a smoothie. "Want some, Master?!" He kept trying to stick the straw in Zim's mouth before giving up and drinking it himself.

"That's...that's it! Zim!" exclaimed Red. "Your SIR unit! He was an advanced model made specifically for your mission, remember?"

"So?"

"SO, that proves we sent you on a real mission! We would've never given you such a well-crafted robot if we weren't serious, would we?"

Zim stole a glance at GIR. "Would you...?"

"We wouldn't! AGH!"

The Massive rattled violently, knocking all its passengers down. By the time they recovered, Zim and GIR had disappeared. Red and Purple exchanged a look.

"Where'd he go?!"

"Who cares? We're done for!"

The Resisty ship rose up right in front of the Massive. Even from where they cowered, the Irken's could hear Lard Nar's joyous laughter. All hope seemed lost...

"WAIT! Look up there!" Purple pointed.

In the corner of the windshield, a little spark appeared.

"YAHHHHH!" was heard in the distance.

"Is that...?"

"Zim?!"

The Voot Cruiser was zooming towards the Resisty ship at lightning speed.

Zim was pulling every lever he could reach. "Don't worry, my Tallest! I'm coming to save you!"

"Uhh," Shloonktapooxis squinted at the approaching ship. "Think should we do something about that guy?"

"Pshh," Lard Nar waved dismissively. "Why should we worry about one Irken in a dinky little ship? It's not like he could- -"

 ** _FWOOMP_**

The Voot had flown straight through the power core of the Resisty ship.

"...huh. Um...huh."

 ** _BOOSH_**

A couple arcs of lightning crackled from the core before, the entire ship burst into millions of pieces in an explosion with enough force to push the Massive back a good distance. When the space smoke cleared, the Tallest stared in awe.

"Holy moly..." gasped Red. "Zim did it. He saved us!"

Everybody on the Massive rejoiced, hugging and dancing with each other.

"Pretty nuts that Zim sacrificed himself, though," Purple remarked.

"Yeah, nuts...on that note, who wants muffins?"

"Uh, sir!" one of the workers spoke up. "Zim is...calling us from his ship."

"UNNNNGHH...pick up."

A bruised and battered Zim appeared on the screen. GIR was next to him, still savoring his smoothie.

"Greetings, my Tallest! As expected, I eliminated the enemy vessel! _However_ , it seems that the surviving passengers escaped in space pods. I'd go after them, but the Voot Cruiser isn't exactly in prime condition at the moment..."

"Escaped?" Red glanced at Purple. "Ahhh, don't worry about that, Zim. You get back to your regularly scheduled mission."

"Yep! Nice job!"

"Thank you very much, my Tallest," Zim nodded gratefully and waved. "I won't let you down! Invader Zim signing off! GIR, bid them farewell!"

GIR coughed violently. "HRRRGH, BRAIN FREEZE!"

"...bye now," Red deadpanned as the transmission was cut. "Looks like he's back to...'normal'."

"I can't believe he survived that," commented Purple.

"I can. And, y'know, for once...I'm actually kinda glad."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He might come in handy if we ever come across those Resisty guys again."

"...seriously, that is the DUMBEST name."

"I know, right?!"

* * *

(A/N: Finally, it is done! I say that, but this is actually a fairly recent idea of mine. I don't think it turned out half bad, though I hope the next story like this I write (which I do have planned for the future) will be better. Anywho, hope you enjoyed this to some extent. If so, please review, fave, follow, point out any mistakes I might have made and check out my profile for more. _So much more._ Au revoir!)


End file.
